Thursday, January 07, 2010
Take a deep breath...everything is going to be fine!
Lately I have been feeling the need to be responsible. I don't know what it is about being a mother- maybe it's the guilty feeling of making selfish decisions. I came the the realization just the other day that "my life" is no longer "my life". My life is now Lola. Every decision I make in some way will effect her. I had been throwing the option of being a vegetarian around for a while and you know what, I'm so glad that i made that decision because i feel so much better. i have been doing yoga while Lola naps and it's great meditation time. It's great "me" time. I think Lola deserves to have a healthy, sane, well educated mom who is proud to be who she is. I can honestly say that lately I haven't been feeling so proud. I've been feeling like a twenty-something-degree less mom, but I am more than that! I need to embrace my flaws and enhance the qualities that make me who I am. Today, as Lola was napping i decided to lie down myself. I was having a hard time sleeping because once again I started thinking about what kind of mom example I want to be for my daughter. I have been thinking a lot about savings and Lola's future- any responsible moms thoughts, right?- when i just became overwhelmed with the thought of my past due student loan payments. I began to think about myself, when applying for colleges. i began to think about how hard it was to even go one year to a private school for the mere fact that I needed a co-signer and my parents didn't want to do it. I began to think about Lola and her future and how i want her to get an education and follow her dreams and prosper. So I ignored my well deserved nap time and called my student loan company. As i began to dial the number my heart started beating in my head. You all know the sound I am talking about, you know, the one that makes your head hot and fuzzy feeling all at the same time. I sat there, in front of the computer and said out loud, "Take a deep breath, everything is going to be fine". Sure enough, it was. I know have the satisfaction of knowing that money may be a little tight, but I'm doing it for Lola. She deserves the world, and I'll do anything to help her achieve that.