Friday, July 20, 2007


i have never missed the person sitting directly next to me so much.
it isnt a distance type of miss, but at times it infact is,
but more of an emotional, physical, spiritual miss.
it is the type of miss that makes me miss your voice.
and the type of miss that makes me miss your goodness.
its the type of miss that makes me miss your support.
its the kind of miss that makes me miss your touch.
and its the kind of miss that has me up this late.
to set some feelings straight.

i feel as though we are now two separate vessels,
two vessels on different tracks, going at different speeds,
making different stops.
i dont know what to do.
this vessel of mine is going faster,
faster, but not fast enough to seem to catch up.
mine wants to.
the vessel ahead of mine goes at a steady, consistent pace,
making frequent stops, reversing everyso often.
its consistent inconsistencies are what cause me to drift behind.
my vessel tries anxiously to catch up,
to be by your side,
to see eye to eye.
but it doesnt.
it tries, and you try,
but it still doesnt.
my vessel is tired. my vessel is drained.

the queen on speed

why are you so sad?
what has the world done to you?
has it treated you unfairly? have you been pushed and swayed
to the opposing side?
are you a product of the secular world?
the secular world of
fashion, masks, designer this and designer that.
the eating disorders, the self abuse, the inconsistent emotional instability.
it isnt you. it isnt the you i fell in love with.
the girl next door. the nice one.
you are the nice one and not the smug, mean one. that is me.
our rolls are changing.
you were white and i was black.
i was the knight moving blindly.
up one, over two. you were the round little
pon, moving up one at a time, stopping when stopping
was the only option.
you are now the queen.
the queen on speed.
here and there and there.
i dont know where you are or who you are,
but i do know that you are the queen.
the queen, moving side to side and up and down,
like there wont be a tomorrow.
you are black, and sad, and shocked, and scared.
this is not you queen, sweet, trusting, lovable queen.
to the eye, black, but to me, your heart is white.
take a step back.
move back one square,
behind, diagonally,
whichever is most comfortable.
move back.
take another look.
youre running blindly.
making faulty moves, motiveless moves.
these secular breeding grounds of glitz and glamour
will call checkmate.

putting personal beliefs in perspective

i have been experiencing some doubts. these doubts include the things i have been raised with and my beliefs. i dont necessarily think that doubting one's personal beliefs is appropriate. i feel that maybe a "doubt" can be a sign of inconsistent faith- that maybe it is a result of being not faithful enough and not commiting to one's beliefs whole-heartedly. maybe it isnt a sign of weakness though. infact, what if afterall it is a sign of strenght. what if it is the process of reaching a higher level mentally or spirituallly? what if by pushing the limits, asking the questions, and seeking out the truth is really just a way of beating down the walls of a cookie cutter religion?

our relational existence

on my way to sacramento i had with me two books and a crossword puzzle. i have been reading the same book for almost a year now, not because its a tough read, simply just because i always seem to forget about it. its such a shame. my life has been consumed with the same usual, uncomfortable routine: wake up, drive to work, hopefully with someone who can stimulate interesting conversational topics, go home, watch something that was netflixed, sleep and repeat. anyway, i picked up where i left off during my flight up there and began reading a section about adam and eve and about how we are relational creatures. so obviously the story goes like this. god creates the earth, creates animals, creates adam, creates eve. they produce and reproduce and here we are. the rest is history. i never once have stopped to think about the time in between adam and eve. it was adams job to name the animals. imagine that??? spending day after day sitting in the forest watching creature after creature walk by naming it whatever comes off the top of your head. imagine the time that would take. imagine doing the same thing year after year after year after year, just to do the same thing year after year. imagine the sense of lonlieness adam felt. imagine the sense of hopelessness he felt. imagine the sense of disappointment he felt. do you think he would wake up hopeful every morning? do you think that he felt unloved or disconnected. imagine the relationship that he might have had with god. do you think that he questioned whether or not he would be alone forever. if god knows everything about us, each hair and freckle, our hopes and dreams and deep down desires, do you think that he knew that adam was lonely. i mean obviously he saw that he was lonely, but do you think that maybe he felt the loneliness adam felt? if god mourns and is glad and can be emotional the way we are, if we are merely just imperfect copies (which is almost a contradiction) of god, do you think that eve was created because god felt disconnected from adam? do you think that maybe eve was created to satisfy both god and adam? do you think that maybe since god is relational and us being formed in gods likeness are relational also, that maybe eve was created perfectly to satisfy adam emotioally and sexually, but also to satisfy god in an emotional but spirtiual way? if we are here on earth to live and thrive and do good works that glorify god, and if we are here to find a mate to marry and reproduce, then our mere exsistence is solely for god. do you think that maybe adam and eve and every perosn on this earth was created because god was lonely? do you wonder if maybe god had no idea that adam would desire a companion? i believe we all desire for someone to really care for us. we all long for someone whether it be a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend or simply just a friend. we all want a sense of value and worth. maybe our mere existence is because god is striving for that perfect spirtual relationship. we are created in gods likeness afterall. hhhhmmmm........