stomach

there is this feeling i have in my stomach. it extends from the bottom of my torso to my upper throat. whether it is nausea or hunger pains or the deire to vomit, i am unsure of. all i can distinguish is that there is emotion tied into it. tears and confusion are mine, but more than that there is the slight want to let it all go. to give up. to allow one to be free.

how will this change me?
will i survive?
will there be a future?

the thought of abandoning the familiar for the unfamiliar is unwanted, however, wanted at the same time. is it right or true to love something so much you give it up? not for my own sake, but for the well being of the one i love? these convoluted questions and more race through my head at all hours of the day. but it was only days ago that these questions we not present. the thought of questioning was nowhere to be found. why have they changed, and how have they changed?

my stomach, it is twisting and turning. it is not at ease. my heart is pacing, anxious to know the outcome, afraid of the outcome, devistated to lose. almost too devistated to try.

what is the bigger picture?

it seems like many of us are undergoing massive amounts of change. friends getting married and prepairing for a life together, others breaking up and going their separeate ways, and some just going far away. someone once told me that stress in itself is actually something that we put on ourselves. so why do we do it? for me, i think that it is the consequence of feeling too much. i take the circumstance at hand, evaluate them, decide which emotion i will be going with this time around, usually invoving crying and tears of some sort, and go from there. just to make it perfectly clear, my boyfriend will be leaving the state in a matter of days- roughly 13 to be exact. it has done nothing but torn me apart. much of it is emotionaly attachment, however the other most of it is the uncertainty of our future. sure, much of me wants to believe that all will be peachy 1600 miles away up the coast, but realistically we are both going in blind folded. its a hard thing. there is confidence though.

emotional instability

a sense of overwhelming emotion.
once i wake up it is a complete continuation of the night before.
its a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, self-pity.
it is an unstable state of mind.
it is something i wish i didnt have to experience.
-nevertheless-
it isnt something that is put on me.
it isnt my burden.
it is my decision.

joyous song..

i heard a song today.
one i have not heard in some time.
i associate this song with an emotion-one i had as a young child.
one that makes me want to live life to the fullest.
one that makes me confident in the beauty of the world,
confident in myself.
it creates a belief that i am capable,
that i am strong.
that i am as successful as him and her- those of the world
who make change.
it gave me hope, it gave me streght, it made me believe.
it solidified my thoughts in you,
my thoughts of you and my love for you.
it makes me want to dance.
it makes me want to serve.
it makes me want to be one with.

Little brown toes....

Like tootsie rolls. Or vienna sausages...