Lola always seems to make my day!

I cant say that I've had a bad day, but its not good either...while i was on the phone with the doctor i noticed that the background baby Einstein DVD changed to Lady Gaga. when i turned around to see what Lola was up to i noticed that she managed to turn on the stereo and was holding onto the entertainment center, shaking her booty. it made my day. i don't care how awful today gets...my little Lola's got moves!

Stand Tall!!!

Yesterday when i was playing with Lola I decided to let go of her to see how well her balance was. Sure enough she stayed standing ALL BY HERSELF!!!! I can't believe how fast she has grown! It seems like just yesterday she was only a ball of love, granted she is still my ball of love, just a big, plumper version! She has so much personality and her eyes are full of life! I really feel like she has the ability to melt people's hearts. I must say that I love when I hear other people mention that she is so cute. Does it make me self absorbed or "Lola absorbed"??? Either way, she is great and almost a walker....watch out little boys...Lola is a looker!!!

Take a deep breath...everything is going to be fine!

Lately I have been feeling the need to be responsible. I don't know what it is about being a mother- maybe it's the guilty feeling of making selfish decisions. I came the the realization just the other day that "my life" is no longer "my life". My life is now Lola. Every decision I make in some way will effect her. I had been throwing the option of being a vegetarian around for a while and you know what, I'm so glad that i made that decision because i feel so much better. i have been doing yoga while Lola naps and it's great meditation time. It's great "me" time. I think Lola deserves to have a healthy, sane, well educated mom who is proud to be who she is. I can honestly say that lately I haven't been feeling so proud. I've been feeling like a twenty-something-degree less mom, but I am more than that! I need to embrace my flaws and enhance the qualities that make me who I am. Today, as Lola was napping i decided to lie down myself. I was having a hard time sleeping because once again I started thinking about what kind of mom example I want to be for my daughter. I have been thinking a lot about savings and Lola's future- any responsible moms thoughts, right?- when i just became overwhelmed with the thought of my past due student loan payments. I began to think about myself, when applying for colleges. i began to think about how hard it was to even go one year to a  private school for the mere fact that I needed a co-signer and my parents didn't want to do it. I began to think about Lola and her future and how i want her to get an education and follow her dreams and prosper. So I ignored my well deserved nap time and called my student loan company. As i began to dial the number my heart started beating in my head. You all know the sound I am talking about, you know, the one that makes your head hot and fuzzy feeling all at the same time. I sat there, in front of the computer and said out loud, "Take a deep breath, everything is going to be fine". Sure enough, it was. I know have the satisfaction of knowing that money may be a little tight, but I'm doing it for Lola. She deserves the world, and I'll do anything to help her achieve that.

it's official!!!!

Now that today is almost over, it will mark the completion of my first official day as a vegetarian. I have been wanting to go back "to the dark side" as Pieter might put it, for a while now but have been struggling to get a good start on it. So i decided that instead of declaring that i am now a vegetarian I will simply just take it one day at a time. My approach will be simple and similar to quitting smoking-although the last time i quit smoking was when i found out i was pregnant and I'm happy to say that i haven't smoked since- so maybe it's not really like quitting smoking, but you know what I mean!!! I tried to make yesterday my first official day, but quickly caved when I got to my works dinner party....I'm a sucker for Mexican food! I have also made Lola's second nap my yoga relaxation time! I successfully did it today without feeling like throwing up and feel more flexible already! I'll keep y'all posted on how it goes!

You Cant Always Get What You Want...

So now that Lola has been crawling around she has an intense interest on whats going on in "her world". She is such a curious little girl, as most children are at this age, and would much rather be aware of whats going on around her instead of eating....most of the time! even though it is such a pain to constantly be on top of her and know where she is and what she is getting into, i find it really cute! most of the time when i tell her "NO!", she'll look over at me and give a big toofless smile! today was a little different though. we had a rough night. Lola woke up so many times last night so we were both so tired. when i was holding her on the couch she kept trying to reach for things and was really getting upset that she couldn't get her hands on anything. i turned to her and said, "you cant always get what you want Lola!" i started singing that famous Rolling Stones song, and before i knew it she was fast asleep. she napped for two hours and i continued my sprint through LOST season 2! bless her heart!

A Re-post...

i hope you don't mind Mariel...but it was too good to pass up!

Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.”
- Henry Frederic Amiel

today...

we are taking our first set of family pictures. although i feel like they will be really cheesy, i am quite excited about it! more to come...

Marry Me, Pieter!!!!

I've been thinking alot about weddings lately, my wedding to be exact. i go through spurts of really wanting to get married and really not being very anxious about it...today happens to be an anxious one! i have this idea of what kind of wedding i want in the back of my head. today i was looking through a photographers portfolio for no reason at all when i came across pictures from a wedding done similar to the way (http://daisyvarleyphotography.blogspot.com/2009/09/kristen-matt-wedding.html) i would like ours to be! so now im gung ho about getting married....GO FIGURE!!! oh well...maybe one day!

Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets

we have been having kind of a hard time keeping Lola in her crib at night. i think my daughter has grown accustomed to being in our bed which really bugs me at times and doesn't so much at others. but it did really get to me one night... it must have been one of those nights where i had to make sure she was really asleep before i put her down in her crib. i was EXHAUSTED. she and i had just gotten over colds and i was trying to catch up on sleep...then all of a sudden i heard her stirring in her crib. then she started whimpering. her whimpers turned into a soft cry (and at this time im praying that she would just fall back asleep), followed by her really upset cry. so we debate amongst ourselves and decide to put her in bed with us just to get through the night. Pieter gets out of bed to pick her up and once she is in his arms he snuggles her so tight. then he places her in between us. once she is on our mattress she looks at both Pieter and me smiling....hhhmmmm.....

Being a Mom

i recently discovered that Pieter had done a little bit of filming at the hospital after i gave birth to our daughter Lola. i cant believe how much that little girl has changed! when parents and friends with babies tell you to cherish every moment because it goes fast, you should take their advice! i really don't remember our little girl being that little! Lola is SO amazing. everyday i see her changing and learning and enjoying life. i get excited just thinking about the fascination each new thing will bring her. i feel alive when i'm with her. i feel as if i see things in an entirely different light. her smile is contagious-she makes my bad days seem not so bad. it's truly wonderful. being a parent has been rewarding. i will take advantage of all the laughter and joys that come along with being a mom because it truly is a privilege.

Boy has it been a while since I've written.. This simply goes to show that the life of a mother is non-stop and on going weather or not you are ready to keep going. Lola is doing great! She is thriving and developing wonderfully. Everyday is a new day, filled with new adventures and more patience testing encounters. The occasional sleepless nights have been the only problem we have encountered with her. She is able to roll around now(and i mean ROLL AROUND!) and can hold her own sippy cup, granted it doesn't always make it into her mouth on the first try. She can also blow spit bubbles!!!! HURRAY! When i was pregnant i was so anxious and excited for my little one to be able to stick her foot in her mouth. Now that Lola is able to do it, the sight of her twisting and flexing into, what look like, uncomfortable positions is both hilarious and stomach turning. I don't know what it is about this little acrobatic act that grosses me out so much, but it does! Nevertheless, she is a charming little girl. She always smooch attacks me (her version of kisses) when i need it most....more to come!!!

May I Introduce To You, Mr. Mom...

I recently started back at work a week ago. Up until the big day i was Mama-Extraordinaire... and by that i mean, i wore the Mom pants. I must say i was a little apprehensive about leaving Lola with Pieter for longer than the usual hour here and there. So his first on Daddy shift with her was disastrous. Lets just say that on a scale from 1-10, it was about an 8 or a 9. i have been working early morning shifts also, and usually i get a number of texts about her being awake, being too noisy, being fussy, not eating, smiling too much.... all which apparently bugged him. On Thursday i was working and realized it was the normal text cry for help time. So i initiated it just to see how things were and i got no response. i continued to text and text and i finally got a response. Pieter said that they were fine. When i got home he was holding her and she was fine! There were no tears that day. Pieter is turning out to be an amazing father! I can tell by his interactions with her that he is enjoying the one on one time with Lola and i think she is enjoying it also. It is interesting to see her different personalities with each of us. I feel like she gives each of us the same love, but gives us different kinds of love. She is more playful and smiley with Pieter and more snugly with me. Nevertheless, we love our daughter and we are loved by her. I am so proud of our little family. I am so proud to be the mother of an amazing, garbanzo bean faced, funny little girl. I am so proud to be with a man who loves and cherishes his daughter so much.

my first week of work...

...is over!!! i am really looking forward to sleeping in, and by that i mean not having to be at work. Pieter has done a really great job with Lola this past week. i think he is more comfortable and confident in his parenting skills. i must say, i am kinda jealous. from what he has told me, it has been really fun spending time with her. i love them!

today's post.......

.....will be short and sweet.

today was my second day back at work. it was a different shift than my last one, but was the same one i worked before i popped out the little one. today gave me a chance to brag about Lola and explain how wonderful she truly is. im sure i will be given many more opportunities to gab and go on and on about her, but for the time being i'll take advantage of it! i love you Lola.

i cant be mad...

last night i tried to put Lola to bed at 930. Lola actually went to bed at 11. i hoped and prayed to the sleep gods that she would sleep well and more importantly, that i would sleep well. sure enough, Lola decided it was going to be an every two hour night. so every two ours i was up feeding her and putting her back to sleep. there were times where i would doze off. along comes 7ish and after feeding and burping her i put her on her blanket, on top of our bed. out comes the loudest, squishiest sound. it sounded similar to the way a woopie cushion sounds when there is too much spit in it. so i pick her up and she has managed to poop up and out her diaper, through her pajamas, and through her blanket. lets just say i was not a happy camper. as i waited for her water to get warm i started to undress her, soon realizing that she had gotten poop only a couple inches shy of her neck. lets just put it this way, SHE DESTROYED HERSELF!!! so i put her in the water and begin to say, "are you kidding me? why do you hate me!!!??" she looks at me completely straight faced and smiles at me. it was the biggest, most endearing, most beautiful smile ever. how could i be mad after that...

advice

everyone likes to give you there opinion- especially when there is a baby in the picture and your a first time mother. Lola spent the first 9 weeks of her life snuggled up in between Pieter and me every night. i remember hearing all sorts of comments and advice from family members, friends, and random bloggers. i quickly realized that there were two teams of opinions when it came to advice on getting Lola to sleep in her crib. personally, i was raised as a "let her cry it out" baby. but when it came time to get her to stay in the crib, i just didn't have the heart to leave her there, crying. maybe im being too sympathetic, but to me, being a mother has really been about finding my own rhythm- finding out what works for me. so finally, 9 weeks after being the baby divider in our bed, i put her in crib and that is where she has stayed. maybe she needed to do it in her own time. either way i am proud of her!

today i was watching Rachael Ray. she was interviewing Selma Hayek and one of the audience members asked what the best advice her mom gave her. Selma responded that her mother had told her to put her baby to sleep every night because she never knew when it wouldnt be like that anymore and that one day, when her daughter was grown up she would wish that she could go back.

i can say that there are times that it takes a really, REALLY long time, but i really do cherish getting that time with Lola. there is something about getting to rock your daughter to sleep every night, even when she fights it and it takes two hours. i love it.

cleche'

i remember a couple years ago i wanted to be able to express myself through painting and writing. i started off strong, painting and writing frequently. it has been about 2 1/2 years since i have written last. just recently i have realized that i am inspired to jot down the things that have touched my heart. my life has changed tremendously in the last 2 1/2 years. i am now engaged to my boyfriend of almost 4 years and am the mother of an amazing little girl, Lola. i know this sounds cliche, i have decided to make this blog about my daily experiences with Pieter and Lola.

vessels

i have never missed the person sitting directly next to me so much.
it isnt a distance type of miss, but at times it infact is,
but more of an emotional, physical, spiritual miss.
it is the type of miss that makes me miss your voice.
and the type of miss that makes me miss your goodness.
its the type of miss that makes me miss your support.
its the kind of miss that makes me miss your touch.
and its the kind of miss that has me up this late.
to set some feelings straight.



i feel as though we are now two separate vessels,
two vessels on different tracks, going at different speeds,
making different stops.
i dont know what to do.
this vessel of mine is going faster,
faster, but not fast enough to seem to catch up.
mine wants to.
the vessel ahead of mine goes at a steady, consistent pace,
making frequent stops, reversing everyso often.
its consistent inconsistencies are what cause me to drift behind.
my vessel tries anxiously to catch up,
to be by your side,
to see eye to eye.
but it doesnt.
it tries, and you try,
but it still doesnt.
my vessel is tired. my vessel is drained.

the queen on speed

why are you so sad?
what has the world done to you?
has it treated you unfairly? have you been pushed and swayed
to the opposing side?
are you a product of the secular world?
the secular world of
fashion, masks, designer this and designer that.
the eating disorders, the self abuse, the inconsistent emotional instability.
it isnt you. it isnt the you i fell in love with.
the girl next door. the nice one.
you are the nice one and not the smug, mean one. that is me.
our rolls are changing.
you were white and i was black.
i was the knight moving blindly.
up one, over two. you were the round little
pon, moving up one at a time, stopping when stopping
was the only option.
you are now the queen.
the queen on speed.
here and there and there.
where?
i dont know where you are or who you are,
but i do know that you are the queen.
the queen, moving side to side and up and down,
like there wont be a tomorrow.
you are black, and sad, and shocked, and scared.
this is not you queen, sweet, trusting, lovable queen.
to the eye, black, but to me, your heart is white.
queen,
take a step back.
move back one square,
behind, diagonally,
whichever is most comfortable.
move back.
take another look.
youre running blindly.
making faulty moves, motiveless moves.
why?
these secular breeding grounds of glitz and glamour
will call checkmate.

putting personal beliefs in perspective

i have been experiencing some doubts. these doubts include the things i have been raised with and my beliefs. i dont necessarily think that doubting one's personal beliefs is appropriate. i feel that maybe a "doubt" can be a sign of inconsistent faith- that maybe it is a result of being not faithful enough and not commiting to one's beliefs whole-heartedly. maybe it isnt a sign of weakness though. infact, what if afterall it is a sign of strenght. what if it is the process of reaching a higher level mentally or spirituallly? what if by pushing the limits, asking the questions, and seeking out the truth is really just a way of beating down the walls of a cookie cutter religion?