Boy has it been a while since I've written.. This simply goes to show that the life of a mother is non-stop and on going weather or not you are ready to keep going. Lola is doing great! She is thriving and developing wonderfully. Everyday is a new day, filled with new adventures and more patience testing encounters. The occasional sleepless nights have been the only problem we have encountered with her. She is able to roll around now(and i mean ROLL AROUND!) and can hold her own sippy cup, granted it doesn't always make it into her mouth on the first try. She can also blow spit bubbles!!!! HURRAY! When i was pregnant i was so anxious and excited for my little one to be able to stick her foot in her mouth. Now that Lola is able to do it, the sight of her twisting and flexing into, what look like, uncomfortable positions is both hilarious and stomach turning. I don't know what it is about this little acrobatic act that grosses me out so much, but it does! Nevertheless, she is a charming little girl. She always smooch attacks me (her version of kisses) when i need it most....more to come!!!

May I Introduce To You, Mr. Mom...

I recently started back at work a week ago. Up until the big day i was Mama-Extraordinaire... and by that i mean, i wore the Mom pants. I must say i was a little apprehensive about leaving Lola with Pieter for longer than the usual hour here and there. So his first on Daddy shift with her was disastrous. Lets just say that on a scale from 1-10, it was about an 8 or a 9. i have been working early morning shifts also, and usually i get a number of texts about her being awake, being too noisy, being fussy, not eating, smiling too much.... all which apparently bugged him. On Thursday i was working and realized it was the normal text cry for help time. So i initiated it just to see how things were and i got no response. i continued to text and text and i finally got a response. Pieter said that they were fine. When i got home he was holding her and she was fine! There were no tears that day. Pieter is turning out to be an amazing father! I can tell by his interactions with her that he is enjoying the one on one time with Lola and i think she is enjoying it also. It is interesting to see her different personalities with each of us. I feel like she gives each of us the same love, but gives us different kinds of love. She is more playful and smiley with Pieter and more snugly with me. Nevertheless, we love our daughter and we are loved by her. I am so proud of our little family. I am so proud to be the mother of an amazing, garbanzo bean faced, funny little girl. I am so proud to be with a man who loves and cherishes his daughter so much.

my first week of work...

...is over!!! i am really looking forward to sleeping in, and by that i mean not having to be at work. Pieter has done a really great job with Lola this past week. i think he is more comfortable and confident in his parenting skills. i must say, i am kinda jealous. from what he has told me, it has been really fun spending time with her. i love them!

today's post.......

.....will be short and sweet.

today was my second day back at work. it was a different shift than my last one, but was the same one i worked before i popped out the little one. today gave me a chance to brag about Lola and explain how wonderful she truly is. im sure i will be given many more opportunities to gab and go on and on about her, but for the time being i'll take advantage of it! i love you Lola.

i cant be mad...

last night i tried to put Lola to bed at 930. Lola actually went to bed at 11. i hoped and prayed to the sleep gods that she would sleep well and more importantly, that i would sleep well. sure enough, Lola decided it was going to be an every two hour night. so every two ours i was up feeding her and putting her back to sleep. there were times where i would doze off. along comes 7ish and after feeding and burping her i put her on her blanket, on top of our bed. out comes the loudest, squishiest sound. it sounded similar to the way a woopie cushion sounds when there is too much spit in it. so i pick her up and she has managed to poop up and out her diaper, through her pajamas, and through her blanket. lets just say i was not a happy camper. as i waited for her water to get warm i started to undress her, soon realizing that she had gotten poop only a couple inches shy of her neck. lets just put it this way, SHE DESTROYED HERSELF!!! so i put her in the water and begin to say, "are you kidding me? why do you hate me!!!??" she looks at me completely straight faced and smiles at me. it was the biggest, most endearing, most beautiful smile ever. how could i be mad after that...

advice

everyone likes to give you there opinion- especially when there is a baby in the picture and your a first time mother. Lola spent the first 9 weeks of her life snuggled up in between Pieter and me every night. i remember hearing all sorts of comments and advice from family members, friends, and random bloggers. i quickly realized that there were two teams of opinions when it came to advice on getting Lola to sleep in her crib. personally, i was raised as a "let her cry it out" baby. but when it came time to get her to stay in the crib, i just didn't have the heart to leave her there, crying. maybe im being too sympathetic, but to me, being a mother has really been about finding my own rhythm- finding out what works for me. so finally, 9 weeks after being the baby divider in our bed, i put her in crib and that is where she has stayed. maybe she needed to do it in her own time. either way i am proud of her!

today i was watching Rachael Ray. she was interviewing Selma Hayek and one of the audience members asked what the best advice her mom gave her. Selma responded that her mother had told her to put her baby to sleep every night because she never knew when it wouldnt be like that anymore and that one day, when her daughter was grown up she would wish that she could go back.

i can say that there are times that it takes a really, REALLY long time, but i really do cherish getting that time with Lola. there is something about getting to rock your daughter to sleep every night, even when she fights it and it takes two hours. i love it.

cleche'

i remember a couple years ago i wanted to be able to express myself through painting and writing. i started off strong, painting and writing frequently. it has been about 2 1/2 years since i have written last. just recently i have realized that i am inspired to jot down the things that have touched my heart. my life has changed tremendously in the last 2 1/2 years. i am now engaged to my boyfriend of almost 4 years and am the mother of an amazing little girl, Lola. i know this sounds cliche, i have decided to make this blog about my daily experiences with Pieter and Lola.

vessels

i have never missed the person sitting directly next to me so much.
it isnt a distance type of miss, but at times it infact is,
but more of an emotional, physical, spiritual miss.
it is the type of miss that makes me miss your voice.
and the type of miss that makes me miss your goodness.
its the type of miss that makes me miss your support.
its the kind of miss that makes me miss your touch.
and its the kind of miss that has me up this late.
to set some feelings straight.



i feel as though we are now two separate vessels,
two vessels on different tracks, going at different speeds,
making different stops.
i dont know what to do.
this vessel of mine is going faster,
faster, but not fast enough to seem to catch up.
mine wants to.
the vessel ahead of mine goes at a steady, consistent pace,
making frequent stops, reversing everyso often.
its consistent inconsistencies are what cause me to drift behind.
my vessel tries anxiously to catch up,
to be by your side,
to see eye to eye.
but it doesnt.
it tries, and you try,
but it still doesnt.
my vessel is tired. my vessel is drained.

the queen on speed

why are you so sad?
what has the world done to you?
has it treated you unfairly? have you been pushed and swayed
to the opposing side?
are you a product of the secular world?
the secular world of
fashion, masks, designer this and designer that.
the eating disorders, the self abuse, the inconsistent emotional instability.
it isnt you. it isnt the you i fell in love with.
the girl next door. the nice one.
you are the nice one and not the smug, mean one. that is me.
our rolls are changing.
you were white and i was black.
i was the knight moving blindly.
up one, over two. you were the round little
pon, moving up one at a time, stopping when stopping
was the only option.
you are now the queen.
the queen on speed.
here and there and there.
where?
i dont know where you are or who you are,
but i do know that you are the queen.
the queen, moving side to side and up and down,
like there wont be a tomorrow.
you are black, and sad, and shocked, and scared.
this is not you queen, sweet, trusting, lovable queen.
to the eye, black, but to me, your heart is white.
queen,
take a step back.
move back one square,
behind, diagonally,
whichever is most comfortable.
move back.
take another look.
youre running blindly.
making faulty moves, motiveless moves.
why?
these secular breeding grounds of glitz and glamour
will call checkmate.

putting personal beliefs in perspective

i have been experiencing some doubts. these doubts include the things i have been raised with and my beliefs. i dont necessarily think that doubting one's personal beliefs is appropriate. i feel that maybe a "doubt" can be a sign of inconsistent faith- that maybe it is a result of being not faithful enough and not commiting to one's beliefs whole-heartedly. maybe it isnt a sign of weakness though. infact, what if afterall it is a sign of strenght. what if it is the process of reaching a higher level mentally or spirituallly? what if by pushing the limits, asking the questions, and seeking out the truth is really just a way of beating down the walls of a cookie cutter religion?

our relational existence

on my way to sacramento i had with me two books and a crossword puzzle. i have been reading the same book for almost a year now, not because its a tough read, simply just because i always seem to forget about it. its such a shame. my life has been consumed with the same usual, uncomfortable routine: wake up, drive to work, hopefully with someone who can stimulate interesting conversational topics, go home, watch something that was netflixed, sleep and repeat. anyway, i picked up where i left off during my flight up there and began reading a section about adam and eve and about how we are relational creatures. so obviously the story goes like this. god creates the earth, creates animals, creates adam, creates eve. they produce and reproduce and here we are. the rest is history. i never once have stopped to think about the time in between adam and eve. it was adams job to name the animals. imagine that??? spending day after day sitting in the forest watching creature after creature walk by naming it whatever comes off the top of your head. imagine the time that would take. imagine doing the same thing year after year after year after year, just to do the same thing year after year. imagine the sense of lonlieness adam felt. imagine the sense of hopelessness he felt. imagine the sense of disappointment he felt. do you think he would wake up hopeful every morning? do you think that he felt unloved or disconnected. imagine the relationship that he might have had with god. do you think that he questioned whether or not he would be alone forever. if god knows everything about us, each hair and freckle, our hopes and dreams and deep down desires, do you think that he knew that adam was lonely. i mean obviously he saw that he was lonely, but do you think that maybe he felt the loneliness adam felt? if god mourns and is glad and can be emotional the way we are, if we are merely just imperfect copies (which is almost a contradiction) of god, do you think that eve was created because god felt disconnected from adam? do you think that maybe eve was created to satisfy both god and adam? do you think that maybe since god is relational and us being formed in gods likeness are relational also, that maybe eve was created perfectly to satisfy adam emotioally and sexually, but also to satisfy god in an emotional but spirtiual way? if we are here on earth to live and thrive and do good works that glorify god, and if we are here to find a mate to marry and reproduce, then our mere exsistence is solely for god. do you think that maybe adam and eve and every perosn on this earth was created because god was lonely? do you wonder if maybe god had no idea that adam would desire a companion? i believe we all desire for someone to really care for us. we all long for someone whether it be a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend or simply just a friend. we all want a sense of value and worth. maybe our mere existence is because god is striving for that perfect spirtual relationship. we are created in gods likeness afterall. hhhhmmmm........

a mission statement

it is my goal, better yet my hope
that motivation and inspiration take place here.
that the dream and the want and the desire
flow from his heart, through his pen, finally onto paper.
that the beauty of his soul spills onto the pages
displaying the true beauty and facisnation i see everyday.
that it is i who stand up for him and encourage as he has all these days.
for me.
that through this all,
he aspires, and grows, and becomes confident, and strong in all his talent.
pursuing every dream, every goal, every heart in reach
and beyond.
forgetting his 'cannots' or inhibilities, forgetting his own worst critic.
it is his beauty that is displayed through the words he writes, the places he creates,
and those he wants us to fall in love with.

what meaningless doodles to her
are his perfections displaying her true beauty.
her hand, her hand wanting so desperately to create
but does none of the sort-
or so she thinks.
he compliments, suggests, and encourages.
she replies, refusing, and rejecting.
nevertheless, the thought of him still by her side
is reason enough to try once more.
as her bursh dances on her canvas,
moving in such a way,
displaying new curves and twists she notices
that each of her works is inspired by him.
it is HE she paints, it is HE that ispires,
and it is HE that she loves.

the artist

It is days like this that make me wish i were the artist,
the one that formed you so perfectly.
the one responsible for every flawless curve and hair,
smile and beauty mark.
but it is not i who painted you.
the one above mastered his creation,
sending him to me on the wings of a dove to heal.
sometimes i wish it were i who sent you down.
down from my perfect surroundings,
down to another.
someone else in need.
in need the way i was months ago.
sometimes i feel your work with me is finished. finalized. complete.
you have crafted me, opening my eyes to new possibilities,
a more innocent way to view,
and yet, you are still here.
never anxious to end what you have started.
and it is at that moment that i realize that it is not i who is the artist,
but rather, you.
you spend time on me daily with your patient hand,
perfecting my imperfections and molding me anew.
you have painted my heart,
filling each spot with your love,
replacing my hurt and replenishing my spirit.
it is moments like these that allow me to realize that
the one above sent the artist to me to paint me a new life.

stomach

there is this feeling i have in my stomach. it extends from the bottom of my torso to my upper throat. whether it is nausea or hunger pains or the deire to vomit, i am unsure of. all i can distinguish is that there is emotion tied into it. tears and confusion are mine, but more than that there is the slight want to let it all go. to give up. to allow one to be free.

how will this change me?
will i survive?
will there be a future?

the thought of abandoning the familiar for the unfamiliar is unwanted, however, wanted at the same time. is it right or true to love something so much you give it up? not for my own sake, but for the well being of the one i love? these convoluted questions and more race through my head at all hours of the day. but it was only days ago that these questions we not present. the thought of questioning was nowhere to be found. why have they changed, and how have they changed?

my stomach, it is twisting and turning. it is not at ease. my heart is pacing, anxious to know the outcome, afraid of the outcome, devistated to lose. almost too devistated to try.

what is the bigger picture?

it seems like many of us are undergoing massive amounts of change. friends getting married and prepairing for a life together, others breaking up and going their separeate ways, and some just going far away. someone once told me that stress in itself is actually something that we put on ourselves. so why do we do it? for me, i think that it is the consequence of feeling too much. i take the circumstance at hand, evaluate them, decide which emotion i will be going with this time around, usually invoving crying and tears of some sort, and go from there. just to make it perfectly clear, my boyfriend will be leaving the state in a matter of days- roughly 13 to be exact. it has done nothing but torn me apart. much of it is emotionaly attachment, however the other most of it is the uncertainty of our future. sure, much of me wants to believe that all will be peachy 1600 miles away up the coast, but realistically we are both going in blind folded. its a hard thing. there is confidence though.

emotional instability

a sense of overwhelming emotion.
once i wake up it is a complete continuation of the night before.
its a sense of helplessness, worthlessness, self-pity.
it is an unstable state of mind.
it is something i wish i didnt have to experience.
-nevertheless-
it isnt something that is put on me.
it isnt my burden.
it is my decision.

joyous song..

i heard a song today.
one i have not heard in some time.
i associate this song with an emotion-one i had as a young child.
one that makes me want to live life to the fullest.
one that makes me confident in the beauty of the world,
confident in myself.
it creates a belief that i am capable,
that i am strong.
that i am as successful as him and her- those of the world
who make change.
it gave me hope, it gave me streght, it made me believe.
it solidified my thoughts in you,
my thoughts of you and my love for you.
it makes me want to dance.
it makes me want to serve.
it makes me want to be one with.

Little brown toes....

Like tootsie rolls. Or vienna sausages...